“History will judge us by the difference we make in the everyday lives of children.” – Nelson Mandela
Children are the single most valuable resource our world has, and the best hope for our future. No one has a more significant influence on a child than their parents. The responsibility we have in raising our children is incredible yet equally as overwhelming. Oh, if only parenting came with a fool-proof handbook of parenting perfection! Instead we find that parenting is a journey with peaks and valleys, times when we advance confidently and others when we question our sense of direction – all under the constant feedback of little people that fill our days with tears and laughter and chaos and hugs.
As I wrote this post, I asked my youngest, Gretchen, to imagine she was in a world where I could only ever say one phrase to her – and that phrase is what she would hear each day. Then I asked her to tell me what she would want to hear from me every day, and her response was, “I love you, Gretchen, I will help you with homework, and yes you can do your goals.”
Yes, she is capable of stringing many words into a very long sentence just like her Mama!
I believe that every child would reply similarly. Each articulating their ultimate desire for affirmation from the people they value the most – to feel valued, supported, and encouraged.
affirmation
- the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.
- emotional support or encouragement.
I recently wrote in “The Power of Words We Speak” about the importance of the words we use with ourselves. We are the voice we hear most often each day. The voice our children hear is also the voice in their head, but that voice is shaped and molded and developed by what they hear from us. And yes, that is an awe-inspiring responsibility!
As Mama Bears, we all have wonderous moments of stellar parenting where we just nailed it – YES! And, we have moments we mishandled a situation and lost our cool. Moments we celebrate, and moments we wish we could change. We speak words that lift up, and words we regret as soon as they come out of our mouths. We are human, and yes, that means sometimes we don’t get it right. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t still affirm our children and teach them even in those less than spectacular parenting moments.
Here are ten things our children need to hear from us – a lot!
- God loves you.
- Our God-given children are the only earthly possessions we get to take to heaven – let us make sure they get there!
- We must teach them that only God is capable of perfect and unconditional love and that it is enough. They must know that God created them for a purpose.
- We must teach them to pray by letting them see us pray. Our children aren’t always good at listening to our words, but they are great at imitating our actions.
- I love you, AND I like you.
- We are the model of how to love, and the more we love them, the more they learn how to love others.
- Children feel loved by actions and words, a sense of being cared for and protected.
- They also need to feel liked – “I like you” tells them we enjoy being with them.
- You are special and unique.
- Children have a strong need to feel accepted. To feel like they belong. When they perceive their differences, they fear these isolate them or mean they don’t fit in.
- To reach their highest potential, they must learn to celebrate their differences as beautiful gifts. They must also learn to respect and encourage others uniqueness.
- I once read that every child is a different kind of flower and all together make this world a beautiful garden.
- I was wrong. I am sorry, please forgive me.
- We must model for them taking responsibility, and apologizing even when it is hard.
- Asking for forgiveness empowers them in a situation that likely felt unfair and hurtful. It allows them to decide when and how to move forward.
- You were wrong, this is your responsibility. I forgive you.
- Turning a blind eye to wrongdoing does nothing for our children. Love is not condoning or removing consequences.
- Children must know we expect them to be responsible for the mistakes they make. and to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
- Learning this at home gives them the strength and experience of taking responsibility as they grow up and our out in the world.
- Yes! No!
- Our children often hear “No” in their days – from us and others around them. While we use “No” to correct a behavior or prevent a poor choice, they must also hear “Yes”.
- “Yes” affirms the positive behaviors and choices.
- The most important “Yes” that our children can listen to is in response to their desire to spend time with us. We can’t always stop what we are doing, but we must create those times when we do say “Yes” to the finger painting, card game, or snuggling. Whatever activity tells them they are essential and we want to be together.
- I am proud of you.
- No single phrase is more affirming than telling our children that we are proud of them. Don’t we all want to hear this?!
- Pride should be expressed not just with accomplishments, but also when our children display kindness, generosity, effort, hard work, responsibility, and initiative.
- I believe in you – you’ve got what it takes, go for it!
- If you asked what I heard most often growing up, I could rapidly tell you it was, “You’ve got what it takes, Catherine” from my father. And decades later, it is still what I hear most often from my dad.
- When our children know we believe in them, they will have the courage to try new things and the confidence to keep trying even when they fail.
- Tell me more.
- Children want to feel heard and understood, it fosters a sense of self and value.
- Listening to their stories and having interest in their passions affirms their importance.
- Hands up if you know this isn’t always easy! Sometimes the timing of the conversation isn’t ideal, and sometimes the topic is not of our choice. I admit that there have been plenty of times my brain has shut down during never-ending storytelling about Minecraft and Fortnite.
- I am always here for you!
- I believe this simple phrase becomes more vital as they grow up and leave the nest. The world will throw so much at them, but their confidence to face adversity is increased by knowing that we are always here. Not to fix or condone, but to support.
- “I am here for you always,” sums up all the above and reassures them that growing up and leaving the nest doesn’t mean we stop loving them, encouraging them, guiding them, and believing in them.
Reality is that our children grow. As they grow, they will become more independent. They will learn to make their own choices, even ones with which we disagree. They will forge their path in the world. They will forge that path from a place of insecurity and fear, or a place of confidence and courage. With time our children will forget the words we said, but they will always remember how we made them feel – let us make sure the feeling is loved, supported, and encouraged. It is this belief that enables the voice in their head to shout out, “I am loved” as they bravely chase their dreams!
xoxo
Catherine