“How do you do it all?”
This is a question you may have received, asked, or both. This notion of doing it all has us Mama Bears captivated. We believe that others have it figured out, and we just need the recipe to the secret sauce. When asked the question, it can bring on those sweaty palms and slight flushing – it is flattering for someone to think we have it all pulled together, but there is also the anxiety of them realizing all the areas we may not be doing as well.
Recently I logged into FaceBook and up popped up a memory from too many years back. In it are two of my boys, so little at that time, in their school uniforms. One has a big smile, and one has a frown that says “I am not happy with you Mama.” The caption described how I’d taken them to school on a day there was no class due to teacher in-service. Clearly, the event was not as meaningful for me as it was for the boys that day, as I have at best a vague recollection of the facts. What I do recall is the feeling that went with it and with so many other moments in my life as a parent. That feeling that inches up in our hearts and whispers, “You failed” or “You aren’t good enough.” The horrible feeling that leads us to believe we are alone and if anyone knew our shortcomings, they would be horrified – so we start to quietly and slowly shut out others trying to maintain what little image we have of being pulled together.
As funny as this might sound after sharing that story, I have been on the receiving end of the “How do you do it all?” question many times. Not because I really have it figured out, but to someone at some point, I appeared to be doing all they believe needed to be done. I had somehow found a balance to successfully manage a professional career including travel with raising 6 kids (including one with special needs and medical challenges), and not strangled or been strangled by my spouse. And most of the time I was very much on top of my calendar therefore not forgetting an activity and always on time.
The simple answer is, “I don’t do it all.”
What?!
No, I don’t have staff running my house, nannies running my kids around, or a Stepford wife substituting for me at home. As much as I’d love a housekeeper, chef, in-home therapist, and personal parenting coach – I have none. I merely learned after too many personal failures, struggles, and severe exhaustion that I could not be all things to all people. I learned that the real balance to achieve “doing it all” was not defined by what I thought others expected, but instead was determined by what is important to me.
Often the times we ask, “How do you do it all?” What we are really saying is, “Tell me how to do it all.” We forget that “doing it all” is very personal and very different for every mama out there. But here are 5 things that you can implement right away that will make an immediate difference.
- Set up and maintain a family calendar. An all-inclusive family calendar is a key to know where to be, what is coming up, and coordinating anything required for these events. We also have a family meeting on Sunday nights where we review the calendar for the week, identify if anything is missing, and plan for the who and how of what is scheduled.
- Meal planning. Meal planning not only takes away the stress of figuring out what is for dinner, but it also helps manage your budget. It will lead to less impulse shopping, less urgent runs to the store for the missing ingredient, and less frustrated fast-food pickup. It allows for more complete grocery shopping and balancing a diet over 7 days that works well for your family.
- Establish routines and habits. Routines are repeatable tasks that must be completed for the smooth running of your home. Do not confuse these with to-do items that are one time, related to a project, or steps towards a goal. Routine items can occur daily, weekly or monthly depending on your family needs. Examples include grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills. Habits are also repeatable tasks that help you work towards your goals of being the best you. These might consist of prayer, exercise or reading. Habit trackers are a great way to keep us accountable and allow us to be realistic about how well we are staying on track with things and determine if we need to change up how we manage our home.
- Identify your roles and responsibilities. Mamas often juggle many hats and forget themselves in the process. It is important to recognize that our roles and responsibilities vary based on the season of life we are in, so this is not a one-and-done exercise. No less than once a year, give yourself a quiet time and space, to be honest about your roles and responsibilities. This will help determine what needs to be done, but should also help you decide if you are doing things that don’t fall into your most important roles. Knowing your roles and the responsibilities for each will help determine your priorities. Don’t forget “Self” as a role!
- Name and schedule your priorities. While you may have many roles, there is still just one you. Clearly identifying priorities may feel like a time-consuming exercise, but it won’t happen organically. Defining your priorities need not take a tremendous amount of time, but should be done regularly. Taking the time to determine what is truly most important to you and your family is an investment in your sanity and schedule. Once you’ve identified your priorities, put them on your calendar. This is necessary to remain accountable and focused. Look at things on your to-do list and schedule that don’t align with your priorities and start stepping back/eliminating them.
The first three steps are crucial to managing the ship of family life. These steps will eliminate the time and energy wasted on the urgent so that you can invest that in what is essential. The second two are vital to keeping you on track and growing. Together these five steps will make a difference in your life and the way you manage your family’s life. Tim Ferris once said, “Lack of time is actually lack of priorities.” When you are clear about your priorities, it is easier to focus on what will fulfill your goals and discard things that don’t align.
So, what next?
Set time aside every week to work on your schedule, meal planning and reviewing your routines and habits. My mind works on a Monday through Sunday week. Sunday is the day I spend about 30 minutes planning for the next week and then glancing at other important events that are coming up in the next month that I can get a head start on such as school projects or shopping for birthday parties. I solidify the calendar of events and write down to-do’s that come from them. Once I’m clear on our activities, I plan the meals around them – on a night with scouting I’ll add a quick-to-prepare dinner, but on a day off I may make a more elaborate dinner. I maintain my routines and habits in a tracker that I review every day, but I will look at how I did over the week. If I’m consistently missing something, I will add it to my calendar as an extra prompt.
Oh wait, but there is more! There is a bit of secret sauce that must be added to the mix above for it to work and give you that satisfaction of feeling like you really got it all done.
Give yourself grace!
Just as your life and your priorities are unique to you, so are your strengths and weaknesses. Some of your responsibilities will be easier or harder, more enjoyable or just something that needs to be done. Choose “good enough” over “perfect.” This isn’t a competition, and there isn’t a grade at the end, this is about finding the process to follow that will allow you to focus on what matters and end the day with a sense accomplishment that you are “doing it all”……doing all that matters to you!
xoxo
Catherine