“Forgiveness is a beautiful idea – until you have something to forgive” – C.S. Lewis.
Forgiving is hard……oh so hard! Most of us can trace the struggle with forgiveness to even our youngest years. “But mom, he took my toy!” Hand-in-hand with those memories are the words of our mothers telling us to be kind, to let go of something that has really angered us, or trying to change our perspective of a situation that really hurt us. So many of those times we just don’t feel understood. We are disappointed when our emotions are not validated and shared. We are angered that situations are not resolved with us being compensated for what happened.
Many years ago someone told me that I was a bad mom because I was a working mom, that I worked because I was choosing to put my ego ahead of my kids. This was from a dear person I called a friend and admired deeply for her faith and love of family. I was stunned into silence – which is saying a lot since I am rarely at a loss of words! I felt like I’d been run over by a bus I never saw coming, and it parked on my chest, stopping my heart and pushing every last breath of air from my lungs. Eventually, I walked out of the church and down to the minivan in which my family was waiting for me. I cried. I bawled. I sobbed the whole way home. I had never honestly felt the heart-piercing, soul-crushing, mind-boggling pain of words as I did that day.
Putting aside the obvious that there is so much wrong with her statement, I will be admit that I merely rejected rational thought or letting it go. I had been attacked at the core of who I identified as – a mother. In the days, weeks, months and years that followed the ripple effect of letting the hurt and anger fester in my heart affected me and those around me. In my darkest moments, I cried myself to sleep believing the words to be exact because I heard them over and over and over again in my head. My anxiety at church took away the joy and rejuvenation I usually experienced during Mass, replaced instead by pulling away from those around me convinced they all had judged me as a bad mother but just had not the courage to tell me. My frustration at my children misbehaving in any way was disproportionate with their actions. I feared them acting anything less than perfect would validate all those that labeled me a bad mother for working outside of the home. I resented my husband for not working. Had he been working and I home instead, then this pain would not have been inflicted on me.
For too long I let these words steal the joy of my vocation as a mother and wife. I allow the lies imprison, demean, and crush me. I went to Reconciliation many times crying about the anger I carried with me. I begged God to help me “forgive and forget,” yet the hurt continued. I went through the motions on the outside but didn’t heal on the inside.
My pseudo-forgiveness was at best an outward appearance that all was well because on the inside it wasn’t. I relived that situation so many times but acted it out different. In my head, I had so many ways I could have handled it. Oh, you should have seen me! On a good day, I eloquently quoted religious text to highlight the error of her thoughts. On less good days I told her where she could shove her opinion. On bad days I got in her face like the only purpose in my life was to point out her flaws with wit and the tongue of a snake. On awful days I tore her down and her kids with her. Yes, on the outside I smiled graciously and moved on, but in the inside, I was waging war I was determined to win.
Why don’t we forgive?
I believe that our fundamental human nature is to seek retaliation for a hurt, to seek recompense or retribution for the wrong-doing. We see it with toddlers who push, hit, or bite the perpetrator of something they have deemed to be in the wrong. This basic nature continues into adulthood although our methods to seek a balancing of the scales changes. We aim to regain control of what happened and find the power we lost at that moment. We seek our interpretation of justice.
When we can not forgive, we find ourselves crushed by the weight of the burden we carry. We emotionally imprison ourselves, trapping ourselves in a cycle of darkness that prevents us from finding joy and beauty in that which is around us. Most dangerously, when we hurt, we are more likely to hurt those around us – those that we love that did not cause our hurt.
Why is forgiving so hard?
As far back as I can remember, I was often told to “forgive and forget” or “let it go and move on.” These simple instructive phrases are what hold me back. Forgiveness has been defined in a way that emotionally implied the condoning of a wrong-doing – and why would we do that? It happened, and the hurt is real!
To learn to forgive, we must first identify what forgiveness is NOT.
- Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation requires repentance and is therefore utterly dependent on the other person.
- Forgiveness is not condoning the words or actions taken against us. Nor does forgiveness cancel out the consequences of them.
- Forgiveness is not forgetting what was said or done. Pretending something was not said or done is just denial.
So what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a necessary, intentional, courageous, and voluntary process to move forward and stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense.
In Ephesians 4:31-32 Paul tells us, “Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you believe to Christ”.
Ouch! This is hard.
Paul continues in Colossians 3:13 when he says, “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others”.
Double ouch! This is really hard.
In full transparency – I can hold a grudge as if my life depends on it! But the truth would be that holding onto a grudge keeps us in darkness and away from the light. If you are anything like me you are thinking this whole forgiveness process is easier said than done. Paul never said it would be easy. Nor was it for our Lord who gave His only begotten Son so that our sins may be forgiven.
How can we forgive others?
I know that my words are for you as much as they are for me. I realize I can be a hard-hearted and prideful person who makes forgiving that much harder. What I have learned and continue to work to put in practice are the following steps towards becoming who Paul instructed us to be.
- Acknowledge the wrongdoing and your feelings. It is human to feel hurt and anger, to cry. Give yourself time to process what happened.
- Avoid venting anger, gossiping, and reliving the situation with others. This step may be the hardest as we don’t want to be alone in our misery. When you really want to talk it out, take it to prayer. Let Him guide you.
- Decide to forgive. The action of forgiving has to be an intentional and voluntary process, guided and strengthened through prayer.
- Let go of revenge or punishment. Continuing to seek justice and recompense keep us tied down to the hurt.
- Refocus your energy into living well. Be positive and focus on the good in your life.
- Honestly acknowledge times that you have hurt those around you by your words or actions, or lack of words and actions. Sincerely seek forgiveness of others you have wronged.
- Forgive yourself! Let go of your past so that you be in the present not only for yourself but for those who love you and long for your authentic presence.
Forgiving is worth the effort!
- Forgiveness empowers us to take control of a painful situation, and restate its place in our hearts and minds.
- Forgiveness frees us to live in the present, not imprisoned by the past.
- Forgiveness brings us peace by reducing anxiety and depression.
- Forgiveness leads to improved sleep and physical health.
- Forgiveness allows us to have healthier relationships.
Allen Hunt stated it best when he said, “Forgiveness and grace will offer a second chance and the opportunity to grow from mistakes rather than being crushed by them.”
May our Mama Bear hearts capture the gift of forgiveness so that we may grow in joy and appreciation of the beauty in the world around us every single day.
xoxo
Catherine