I love the fresh start of a new year. The time when we come up with resolutions, set goals and pick a theme for the year. In recent years the one word for the year has taken off in popularity. I love seeing the words people choose and the personal stories and reflections that go with them.
If I were to pick a single word to capture what has most influenced the first half of 2019, and what I will focus on for the remainder of the year, it would be “Fear.”
Yes, fear!
When I wrote, “Fear Not, Go Bravely,” I shared how our priest had asked me to give a reflection on fear during our Lenten Vespers. Little did I know the journey it would send me on. The raw and honest self-assessment. A reflection on the impact in my life and my relationships. The hurt and resentment. The reality of how much it influences me every day.
Fear feeds reluctance, dread, and even utter avoidance of facing what is ahead of us. We look to the past – situations, conflicts, and painful memories to validate our fear. Excuses to avoid facing forward. Excuses that hold us back.
Last Sunday, our readings at Mass displayed excuses used by others when invited by Jesus to follow him. These are people standing in the presence of Jesus who responded to his call with a “Let me go take care of some things, and then I’ll be right behind you.”
Who of us has not done the same?
Every day we are invited to follow Jesus. How often is his call drowned out by the kids yelling, frustration at a messy house, busy schedule, or a to-do list that makes us wonder why God didn’t give us more hours in the day tackle it all? Days when maybe our actions, more than our words, respond to his call with “Let me go take care of some things, and then I’ll be right behind you.”
To be honest. I’ve always struggled with this reading because the Martha in me wants to hear Jesus say, “Go ahead, go get your business in order, say your good-byes, I’ll be waiting here for you.”
That is not what he says.
Instead, Jesus said, “No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62
When put in the context of plowing, it makes sense. Can you imagine the disarray of a field if the person plowing looked back and not forward? A field plowed with no order would hinder the seeding. And that, in turn, would dwindle the harvest. The potential abundance would be lost. Gone because of looking back instead of forward.
How are we plowing the soil of our lives and hearts?
Yesterday I went out for an early morning run. My route varies between uneven sidewalks, wide roads, narrow paths between summer growths, and gravel trails. And even though I take the same way almost every time, I must keep my eye on the road ahead to avoid tripping or falling.
As I kept the way in sight, aware of my surroundings, but focused forward – the Sunday reflection took on a more personal perspective. A call to look forward. To keep my hand on the plow of life and my eyes on Jesus. To allow him to lead me to live a life of abundance – abundant faith, peace, joy, and love.
When my hand comes off the plow and I look back.
I shared with you that I recently returned to working full-time outside of the home. These weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions – days full of confidence, and others where I wonder why the heck I made this choice.
Often, however, I find myself looking back at all the reasons I walked away from corporate America four years earlier. I remember the complete exhaustion I felt – the nights in the ER followed by long days in the office. The damage to my body that took years to overcome. The look on my doctor’s face when he told me that he feared I didn’t understand how bad the situation was, and how close I was to a stroke.
When fear distracts us from looking ahead.
Today, I fear reaching that point again. In that fear, I have found myself questioning my choices, abilities, and commitment. I lean away instead of into the new challenges. I focus on my deficiencies instead of my opportunities.
Prior to this change, I felt my prayer life was radiant. I heard the daily call of my Lord, and felt a conviction that was not of my doing. I was fueled and energized by the fire burning in my soul. After the change, I felt a dryness. I felt a hollowness. I felt a silence where I had once clearly heard the call.
Did I discern the wrong choice?
No. I prayed hard before making this choice. But since then I have spent more time looking back than forward. My eyes are not on Him. I’ve turned away from the source of my spiritual fuel and instead focused on my fears. My excuses. All those thoughts, insecurities, and lies that flood my heart and mind. The fear that invites me away from His call to plow the soil, plant the seed in fertile soil, and live an abundant life.
Time for change – time to focus back on His way!
It is time for to make a new choice. A choice to turn away from the darkness of my fears. A daily choice to respond to His call. A personal call to live with a resolute determination to follow His way. How about you, my dear Mama Bear? Will you join me?
A little secret….
Shhh….I have a secret to share! I know that too often I turn towards the darkness of my fears over the light of His way. So, I put personal reminders into our Krause Bears logo. See the yellow star in the top right? I put that there as a reminder that He is our North Star. The straight arrow with different terrain above and below, a reminder that no matter the peaks and valleys of life, we must always navigate them in a straight line towards our North Star. The two bears, a reminder that even when we feel alone, we are not. I hope you remember that when our logo pops up now and then in your cyber-space.
Pray unceasingly!
My fellow Mama Bears, our peaks and valleys differ. So do the fears and lies that haunt us differ. However, we have the same North Star, our Lord. The star that invites us to turn away from the darkness of what lies behind us, and into the light of His way. Let us pray for each other every day. Pray that we set our hand on the plow, eyes forward on Him as we sow an abundant life. A life with abundant faith, peace, joy, and love!
xoxo
Catherine