Our home was built in 1977 and had much that needed to be done when we moved in. John and my saintly in-laws did much of what has been done. There is still much that got pushed to the back burner as we had 4 kids in 6 years, followed by an endless list of medical issues with Peter. However, this last summer we finally hired someone to re-do our master bathroom. It needed rescuing from the 1977 faux leather counters, peeling wallpaper, and shag carpet. Yes, shag carpet! We learned the hard way how expensive are remodels, so we gave up a lot on our wish list but are thrilled with how it ended up. It is our little sanctuary at the start and end of each day.
Our bathroom design included clear glass shower doors. Clear glass! I asked for a smoky or frosted glass, something that would distort or hide me in my full nakedness. See, like many Mama Bears out there, I have some serious self-image issues and the idea of someone – anyone – walking into the bathroom while I shower and getting a full view made me nauseous. While my older kids know better, my younger ones still believe when mom is going to the bathroom or taking a shower is the perfect time to ask for something or have a crisis. After all, I am cornered and contained, making it easy to get my full attention. Locking the door seems to escalate said issues. My older kids still laugh hysterically at my recounting the times I tried to hide in the guest bathroom for a few minutes. It started off as little finger coming under the door asking me to hold their hand, until one day my low-verbal son, Peter, was able to stick his nose under the door and creepily utter the words, “I see you!”
Bathroom issues aside, the real problem for me was being seen precisely for who I am. At some level, I think my days of wandering around like Adam and Eve, pre-apple-eating incident, ended at a very young age. Some of my more upsetting memories growing up involve some comment on my appearance. As a young child, I was taller than many of my peers combined with horrible lack of coordination and funny running style – that brought on teasing. My elementary years highlighted my straight hair that always looked like a birds nest of a mess, and my mom uttering, “What are we going to do with your hair?” Bless her, she tried cuts, perms, and every other option only to finally cut it short enough that I was often confused for a boy. In my tween years, a school teacher thought it would be funny to tell me to take off my fake nose because it wasn’t Halloween yet. Yes, I have a big nose. Sitting in the front row of class unable to escape the mocking and laughter his comment brought on was mortifying. In my teen years, I remember being at the beach when some man walked by and said, “What a pity, such beautiful eyes, and such an ugly face!” Ok…..I will stop because I could go on and on, and this is not my virtual therapy session with you. Suffice to say I could keep rattling off all these comments that started at an early age that pretty much etched themselves in my heart and head that said, “You aren’t good enough.”
Like most Mama Bears, the childbearing process altered my body even further. And I will admit, I don’t love exercising, but I do enjoy eating. I exercise because I know my genetic pre-disposition to health issues and I desperately want to be around long enough to see my kids grow up. My go-to outfits are generally jeans and a sweater in colder temperatures, and capris/shorts and a loose t-shirt in warmer temperatures. Nothing form fitting and definitely nothing that says, “Look at me!” More days than not I try to avoid the mirror and am not disappointed that John has yet to put a full-length mirror in the bathroom. I am Eve post-apple eating blatantly aware of her nakedness, embarrassed, and ultimately hiding behind things to not be fully seen.
We live in a world that does judge a book by the cover, that accentuates external beauty. A society that tells girls, at younger and younger ages, that their self-worth is attached to their physical beauty. Isn’t it obvious why we have young girls worried about how they look, struggling with self-image, eating disorders, and anxiety? Those of us Mama Bears blessed with daughters, will tell them they are beautiful. We tell them how loved they are – by us, by their family and friends, but most importantly, by God. We tell them that real beauty is in their hearts. We remind them that no one will ever be a more beautiful version of them than they are because anything else would not be real. We tell them that the gift they are in the world is not based on their looks, but on their words and actions and how they treat other people. Our gift is in loving, encouraging and lifting each other. We tell our girls to go out into the world to bravely be precisely who they are.
Yet, we rarely talk to our own selves the way we talk to our daughters. We criticize the weight, the shape, the wrinkles, and scars. We are frustrated that no makeup or outfit masks what we see in the mirror. We don’t go bravely out in the world – we go out cautiously – making sure we put our best image on lest we are judged for what we honestly look like. We demean and diminish ourselves because we decide to believe the way the world judges us.
We must stop!
I am not saying we shouldn’t care about our bodies. Our bodies are gifts. Our bodies are tabernacles. Our bodies matter in our ability to do His will in our lives. We must protect, cherish and care for our bodies. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 3:16, “Don’t you realize that all of you together are the house of God and that the Spirit of God lives among you in this house?” Caring for our bodies is a whole chapter within itself.
Our human bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. However, we learn early in the Genesis that we are made in the image of God. Is God all shapes, sizes, and colors? No! God is a spirit. God is love – a perfect, complete, sacrificial, self-giving love. We are called to know and believe the love God has for us. We are also invited to recognize that we are made in His likeness, and therefore appealed to love as He loves us.
Our beauty, our true beauty, comes from loving others as He loves us – completely, sacrificially and wholeheartedly.
Sound familiar? We just told our daughters that too! We learn of our beauty when we courageously surrender to the knowledge that God’s creation is good and that makes us enough. Our bodies are covers of our book of life. Our beauty is made manifest from the life written within. Our bodies, imperfect as they seem, are entirely made to love others just as God loved us.
- When you see the scars of motherhood on your body – know that you loved enough to be a part of His life-giving plan.
- When you look at the wrinkles of time on your body – see that you are still a part of His greater plan.
- When you look at the aging in our hands – see that you can still give to others.
- When you look at the lines around your mouth – see that you can always speak love to others.
Just as we tell our daughters that their true beauty comes from the chapters of their lives written on the inside of the book, so must we tell ourselves. We must start talking to ourselves with the same wisdom we speak to our daughters, sisters, friends.
You know I almost always end with something to do. So here you go.
- Go find a quiet space. Preferably not a bathroom, you know you will be hunted down in there.
- Write a letter. Pen it to your daughter (sister, friend, cousin) that needs your wisdom. Share with her what makes her beautiful to you.
- Write another letter. On a separate sheet of paper, write a letter to yourself. Share with yourself how you are made in the image of God, and what makes you beautiful to Him.
- Find a safe place. Fold up your letter to yourself and keep it in a safe place. Next time you scoff at your image in the mirror or feel like hiding from the world, pull it out and read it.
- Mail it! Go find an envelope. Deliver (or mail) the letter you wrote to your daughter (sister, friend, cousin). Encourage her to reread it on days where she needs to be reminded of the unique and beautiful gift she is to the world.
Real beauty does not come from a place of fearing that we are not enough. Real beauty comes from courageously surrendering to the knowledge that God’s creation is good, and that makes us enough. Real beauty is bravely going out into the world with gratitude, and loving others as He loves us.
xoxo
Catherine