I’ve exceeded my quota of tears for any one day today. I had finally found some peace in my job. Today I found out I’m part of a re-organizational change. While not shocked by the move, I’m overwhelmed by the emotion of it. Who I was working for was the reason I even considered giving up early retirement.
I have shed too many tears today. As I try to take a step back and lean into prayer, I’m aware of why I’m having this reaction.
Fear.
It comes down to fear. Fear of loss of relationships that I value dearly; fear of uncertainty; fear of loss of control. But mostly fear of not being enough.
The theme of 2019!
Fear has been the word of the year for me. I have reflected on it in several of my posts since launching Krause Bears. In Fear Not, Go Bravely, I shared that my God is bigger than the fears that suffocate me. In Fear vs. The Abundant Life, I talked about turning from the darkness of fear and sowing a life with abundant faith, joy, peace, and love.
“Don’t let your fear be bigger than your faith.”
Every morning I pray for wisdom and God’s will. And, despite my best efforts, there continue to be moments that my fear is bigger than my faith. Moments I’m reminded that I am gripping on to my comfort, my plan, my will.
Learning to let go of being in control.
I remember a priest talking about living life with clenched fists or open palms. My clenched fists hold on to my plan, but if I let go and open my palms, I am opening myself to receive Gods’ blessings. I cannot accept if my hands are not open to receive. To be genuinely free to His will.
Why do I grasp for control?
My biggest fear in life is not to be enough for those I love, value, and respect. To not be enough for God. Amid this challenge, I continue trying to “be more” with the hopes of attaining the unattainable. Reality is I will never be all things to all people, but I am all things to Him. I need to let the knowledge of that permeate every cell of my body, and surrender fully.
Bloom where you are planted.
As I lean into this season of change, I know there will be tension. The angst of that space between what was and what is coming. I also know what I want to do – I want to bloom. I am a believer in blooming where one is planted, and in this case, where I am transplanted. Like all flowers, to thrive, I need light. I need His light. To turn and face gloriously into the glow of His love and away from the darkness of fear. It isn’t easy, but it is the choice my free will gives me.
Where ever you are today, my Mama Bears, know that you are not alone. Our fears and angsts may differ, but we are in this together. I pray that we thrive. That we let go of control and open ourselves to His blessings. That we turn towards the light that He shines.
Heavenly Father, help us to bloom where you have planted us with purpose.
xoxo
Catherine