The Power of Words We Speak

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me.”

I grew up attending an English all-girls school in Lima, Peru where I remember learning this old English adage. My mother would echo these words at me when I was upset about something hurtful that was said to me. I did find comfort in this, a sense of empowering, that I had the choice to accept or discard the hurtful words. After all, don’t we all advise our children and friends to not listen to unkind words – those words that hurt and taunt?

But, what about when those words aren’t coming from outside? What about when those words are coming from the inside?

Words are the single most potent force of humanity. With words we can build up or tear down, we can encourage or destroy, we can harm or heal. Words are powerful. The words we use with ourselves are mighty.

Whether we consciously realize it or not, the voice we hear the most every single day is our own internal voice. We are continually communicating with ourselves – commenting on everything we encounter in our days, a constant chatter. Our voice interprets and informs us of all going on in our days, and is directed by our beliefs, perceptions, knowledge, and emotions.

I realize I am aging myself, but who remembers good old Stuart Smalley from SNL in the ’90s? I think it was my favorite skit during my college years, as many of us would find every opportunity to repeat, “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.”

How often do you say something like that to yourself? Or does your self-talk sound something more like Stuart when he said, “I don’t know what I’m doing… I’m gonna die homeless and penniless, twenty pounds overweight, and no one will ever love me”?

While it often seems cliche to say, “I am my own worse critic,” the fact is as women we often are that. The narrative we create in our heads can either lift us and inspire us to go out seize the day – carpe diem! Or, it can tear us down so that we are just hoping to make it through the diem. We will leave the carpe-ing to someone else! To someone better than us.

So here is the thing. We have one shot at our life. We will have bad days and great days. We will have beautiful memories, and moments we wish never happened. That is life. But we can either get back up and carpe diem, or be defeated. To go through the motions, merely aiming to make it through the day. Life can be hard, and sometimes circumstances are such getting through the day may be the only option – but, it should not be our only option every day because we told ourselves we can’t or don’t deserve better.

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

A different translation of Proverbs says, “Be careful how you think; your thoughts shape your life.” So, Mamas, it is time to change our “stinkin’ thinkin'” and get out of the “shame spiral”. But I will end my Stuart Smalley words of wisdom there. See, the answer isn’t to look in the mirror and throw compliments at ourselves. The real answer, and what we are called to do in faith, is truthful self-talk. To fix our thoughts on what is true and good and right!

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things…..the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

Where do we go from here?

Well, here are five changes I want you to consider making. They may seem simple, but implementing them can be oh so hard! I know – I’m still working on it.

1. De-clutter the mind. When my husband, John, tells me that he is thinking about nothing I’m torn between feeling incredulous and being in awe. I think as women the chatter in our heads is constant. The list-making endless. The worries that feed upon themselves.
   • Write it down! Nothing clears the mind better than taking all that stuff and writing it down.
   • Once it is on paper it is easier to ascertain if we have a next action item, something to prepare for in the future, or a thing that when put on paper we realize is unimportant.
   • This process helps us plan and prioritize while also freeing our minds for creativity.
2. Re-phrase fears. One of my worse habits is to come up with every adverse scenario that may be in the future and role-play my way through it. I’ve wasted way too much time in my life stuck in this fake world.
   • We must not confuse this worse case scenario play with being prepared. Creating anxieties, conflicts, and hurts is just creating unnecessary fear that will then suck up our energy and enthusiasm, distract us from our present. It will put us in a dialed up sense of fight or flight, and not seizing our day as one big opportunity.
   • I recently learned how to re-phrase these fears as wishes. A simple example would be, “I fear my lab results will show I am sick,” and the thoughts keep going until I’ve planned my funeral that I’m convinced no one will attend making it all worse. I am learning to re-phrase my fear with, “I wish for my lab results to show that I am healthy.” And then I let it go until I get the results and have an actual bridge to cross!
3. Take it to prayer.
   • Focus on what you want to be, on what God wants to do in your life. I don’t know any better antidote to destructive self-thought than to quietly rest in Him, handing over our troubles and then sitting in silence.
   • It is only in that silence that we will hear Him speak the truth to the lies that burden us. It is also in that silence that we are inspired, were truth is revealed, where we are refreshed.
   • I have found that God inspires me the most when I am out for a run – being outside, undistracted, quieting the normal head chatter. It is in those moments that I have felt truth revealed that inspires and energizes me.
4. Practice daughter talk.
   • When have we looked at our daughter (or sister, niece, friend) and called her ugly, fat, incompetent, unworthy, undeserving of respect, or simply that she should give up now because she doesn’t deserve goodness in her life? I’d venture to say NEVER!
   • Instead, we share with her what we see as her beauty, her gifts, her strengths, and encouraged her to keep moving forward because even the hard times eventually pass. We tell her she has what it takes because we believe in her.
   • Believe in yourself! Talk to yourself as you would talk to her.
5. Friends.
   • Purge toxic relationships. Letting go can be so hard , especially when they’ve been in your life for a long time. But, take a step back, what would you tell your child if you saw them endure a relationship that tore them down? Now, tell yourself that!
   • Find friends that are honest and encourage you to be your best. Making new friends can be just as hard as purging the toxic ones. Do it anyway – it is crucial. We all need friends with whom we can be honest and authentic, and also trust that they will protect our hearts and minds.
   • Be that friend to others too.

So Mama Bears, while you reflect on the way you talk to yourself and what may need to change, know that I’m over here encouraging all of us to be the best we can be – to go out and carpe all our diems!

xoxo

Catherine