I’m tuning back in- hitting that dial, and finding His song!
Just over five months ago, I made a drastic change in our family life. I went back to work full time. The choice was not an easy one, but one that I took to prayer. I was unsure about giving up the freedom of my days to be back at a desk. Yet, in prayer, I felt strongly convicted that it was the right choice.
Despite the prayers, I kept it to myself. There are still a lot of folks that don’t know I went back to work. Ultimately I didn’t want to defend or justify my choices. I still needed to come to terms with it myself.
Six months. I told myself I would give it six months, and then re-assess. I’m sitting today at the 5.5-month mark. It has been a rollercoaster. Days that I was excited, and days where I surrender exhausted in a “Why did I do this?”
In those moments of despair, when I took it back to prayer, our good Lord made the reasons so obvious again. He has placed people in my path that re-affirm the “why” every single time I took my doubts to prayer. I am reminded that when He asks us to follow Him, He never says it will be easy.
What has been my greatest challenge?
Finding my new normal without feeling like I sacrificed what was most important to me.
For the first several months, I kept my routine – get up at 5 am and go for a run. Come home, shower, grab a coffee, and spend time with Him. Then at 7 am I log on, and start my day. A day centered by a feeling of being physically and spiritually fit. Bonus: I still found time to write – the gift that keeps me mentally fit.
Then school started, and things began to unravel slowly, then rapidly. Kids got sick, I got sick, kids got sick again, and then I did too. I stopped exercising. I was too tired in the morning to get up early. I was barely dragging to my desk at 7 am with an extra-large coffee. My prayer life suffered, as did my physical and mental health. Establishing a family routine felt futile – often, even the simple task of grocery shopping was replaced by just too much stuff.
Through this time of feeling discouraged and defeated – I have felt the call, the pull, the yearning to find my way back to Him.
You know those long road trips through the middle of nowhere? The freedom of the open space ahead. No routines and distractions, we can dream and think and be. But, as the trip goes on, so does the reality that being out in the middle of nowhere alone starts to wear on you. By the time you can finally turn the dial and find a station – there is hope again!
These last several months have been like that road trip. At first, the change of scenery was exhilarating. A time to re-dream and re-find purpose. But as the trip went on, and I no longer had that contact with Him, I grew weary and discouraged. I lost confidence in myself and my purpose.
It was time to turn the dial and tune back in.
Today I decided it was finally time to start making changes. Just one small change at a time. I got up 30 minutes earlier. I got ready, I grabbed my coffee, and I sat with plenty of time for prayer.
The radio signal still had a bit of static. But the sound of His voice is the most beautiful song after being lost in the desert! And it was with His song filling my heart that I felt compelled to find my voice and start sharing again.
So here I am. No tips, no wisdom, no revelation. A simple sharing of where I have been and the sweet joy of tuning in and finding His song for my life.
xoxo
Catherine